Tag Archives: silly

The Tree

The Tree

Myself, and The Tree and the deeds to The Tree.

* For an explanation as to what this project is all about please click here.

I bought The Tree in May of 1959. A Wednesday it was. I recall there being an oppressive, sweltering heat pressing down from above, but it was soothed, consoled, by a delicate ocean breeze that smelled so faintly of a final moment in bloom. It was the perfect weather to cut the ceremonial red tape of a successful agriculture transaction.

The Tree in question was my first, and indeed my last, business venture. I’d been on the market for one like it for several months. I’d been a perfect horticultural pervert about the whole affair. I’d peer through hedges, scale fences under moonlight, consult district planning records and frequent the ghostly corridors of the grand Central library, searching earnestly for the barky creature I so desired.

I came within a half whisker of finding what I needed on several occasions. I would locate a handsome tree, thoroughly scrutinize its potential under the cloak of night, and deem it a good tree. But the problem came when I would attempt to badger the owner into parting with the frivolously bushy accessory to their land.

‘I’m not going to do anything seedy with it,’ I would say, ‘If you’d be so gracious as to allow me that pun.’

That was my line. It would never fail to arouse at least a residual snigger, or a short, nodding nose breath. However they would then stare at me with arms tightly locked and a hard-boiled look of suspicion etched all over their faces. And then they would inevitably ask:

‘Why?’

Of course I couldn’t possibly divulge. They wouldn’t sell me their tree if they knew its darkest secrets. No, no. I would explain that I simply really liked trees, but that I lived in a condo. I would then lie and say that I’d tried discharging my sapling lust with a bonsai tree, but that it was far too small to climb. I never did think of a bonsai tree pun.

The lady that eventually sold me The Tree was an old crow who was more than a tad senile. And in truth, I wondered if I might be guilty of committing a lewd act of shady commerce on her. She explained that she was very fond of The Tree indeed, but that it had cats in it. She said that I was more than welcome to buy the tree for $30 if I took the cats away. We spat the viscous bond of American agreement onto our palms and duly sealed the deal.

Two blissful weeks after this transaction the old lady died of time, and The Tree, allegedly part of the property on which it sat, was taken from me and given to the unsuspecting mailman referenced in her will. I tried to make a terrible stink, but was swiftly informed that a verbal agreement and a spit-moistened handshake between two parties is not recognized as contractually binding in the state of California, and particularly not when one or both of the parties are certified as mentally handicapped. And just like that, my days as a rag and bone and tree man were brought to an abrupt yet poignant conclusion.

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TOP 4 REASONS WHY I HATE LISTS

The #list is still #trending. This must cease! And here are my top four reasons why:

1. You’re all doing them



Everyone is making lists in lieu of structured, narrative driven content. It seems that absolutely everything must be in list form or no one will read it. Cracked seem to be the first super blog to base almost all of its content off of its ability to organize things, but so many other media outlets have been tempted by the once-modest, now-contemptuous ‘list’. I’ve caught the column sections of every major news outlet dropping their narrative arcs in favor of spiking you repeatedly with information.

I’ve decided that if I can find a few more articles that share our bitter tone I’ll make a list of the top [however many people have already had this hack idea] lists that detail why lists lack originality.

I could probably create a list ranking the many fragrant pieces of irony that are housed within this list.

2. These lists feed people’s inability to concentrate



Putting these Lunchable sized pieces of information into a bullet point format with a photo break every second sentence is like allowing an extremely fat person to rest on the hood of every car he passes on his long jog towards a safe blood pressure.

We’re reading, but reading extremely badly.

This form is ruining our ability to digest simple narrative structures. You can scroll down the page, look at the headings, look at the pictures, get the outline and move on, learning almost nothing in the process. In fact you probably pushed out the last of the French vocabulary you learned at school and replaced it with the opinion of some twat that a dog is better than a cat.

3. They’re desperate



They are. The casual list is currently the cheapest form of blog writing (and that sentence really carries weight) and it pains me to see online publications that I used to avidly follow resort to pandering Top Ten lists that beg for social interaction and grovel at your top ten toes for ‘Likes’ and ‘Shares’.

I recently found myself reading a top one hundred list of books that you should have read before you die. It made me sad to know that most of the people reading that list, and almost certainly myself included, wouldn’t get to read all of those books before death allowed its spiders to weave cobwebs on their lives. It made me think that someone should probably restructure each of those iconic novels into a three point, 500-word list.


4. They always get so much weaker towards the end




By the time our blogger gets to about number seven on the list his gusto is almost shot and he’s left deflated, stumbling roughly towards the end, before retiring in a saggy heap a few points short of an acceptably round number.

*

“The Top Nine Household items one can use to hit a nail into the wall if one has misplaced his hammer?” asked the editor, raising a brow to the timid young contributor.

“I couldn’t think of anymore,” he replied, shuffling in his spot, “I already did book, shoe, stone. I even put Bible in there, but technically that’s just a thick book.”

They stood in silence for a moment, their eyes glancing around the office for inspiration.

“Force?” said the editor, squinting at a ‘Phantom Menace‘ mug on a nearby desk.

“Is ‘Force’ a household item?”

The editor stared deep into his thoughts for a moment. He started nodding earnestly as he handed the slim list back to the young contributor.

“Force is definitely something that is used my house.”

*

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I Love Craigslist

I found this ad on Craigslist whilst looking for an apartment in Seoul. What a dickhead. I hope a tranny moves in.

FREE RENT TO THE PERFECT SEXY FEMALE. I am a SWM British Man and seek a female roommate. I have a 3 bedroom apartment in JINHAE near Changwon. send photos and lets talk. I will take care of all expenses including food. I emphasize this a roommate with benefits or live in girl friend type situation. So if that doesn’t appeal to you no problem and good luck.

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