Clive awoke in a ditch, looking up to the stars twinkling in the night’s sky. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the wheel of his bike still spinning hopefully next to his head. He tried to stand up but immediately felt a pain in his right wrist, like a thin bolt of electricity shooting from his hand and to his shoulder. He eased himself up with his left arm and suddenly noticed a difference in his groin. There was no pain, just an absence. He looked over both shoulders, making sure that he was alone on the dark country road, and peered into his tracksuit bottoms. The light from the quarter moon hovering in the sky did little to brighten the murky depth between his legs. Everything seems okay, he thought.
Clive awoke the following morning and the pain in his wrist had eased. He breathed a sigh of relief and got up to walked to the bathroom. He started this day like he did all others; with a simple pee. He looked down at his penis in his hand. Something didn’t seem right. That sense of absence was now more than a feeling. He could see it. Suddenly all of the air rushed from his body at once. His testicles!? They were gone! No balls, and no bag to contain them. They had disappeared. But there was no evidence of them being removed or any path of migration. Clive was terrified. He looked up from his crotch and caught his reflection in the mirror. His once muscular frame had melted a bit. He was fat! Not obese, but certainly on the road to being so. Clive couldn’t understand what had happened. The accident from the night before hadn’t left much in the way of physical damage, just a limp wrist he was sure would heal and his lost testicles would soon return to their original hiding place. But the sudden injection of fat had aroused plenty of suspicion in him. Overnight he had gone from being a muscular young man to a fattening young man. He was too confused to think it over and decided to go back to bed in the hope that this unwelcomed change in physique would right itself by the time he woke again.
But it didn’t.
After a week of hoping he gave up. In this time Clive had even returned to the ditch in a desperate search for a discarded pair of testicles. He would have even been satisfied to find someone else’s. But there was nothing testicle-esque to be found. He continued to gain weight and was now far too big for his clothes. He decided that it was time to see a doctor.
“As you can see from the x-ray, your testicles are here” said Dr. Phillis, as he tapped the large white blotch with his pen. Clive felt a shooting pain in his stomach. “To extract and reattach them would be a very dangerous operation.”
The doctor suddenly sprung up from behind his desk and slid towards the window overlooking the hospital car park.
“How dangerous?” asked Clive, breaking the tense silence. Dr. Phillis let out a sharp rush of air, like a sword through a car tire. He turned back to Clive.
“Very dangerous. You see,” he started, stroking his beard, “your testicles, the cheeky buggers, seem to have lodged themselves inside your body and have started to swell at an unprecedented rate. If we were to remove them through an operation then you would risk losing them altogether, sacrificing your decision to have children later in life.”
Clive looked at the Doctor Phillis. He was a peculiar looking person. He was a short, fat man, around the same weight that Clive was on Wednesday in fact. His black scraggly hair waved out from his scalp and faded into his curiously red beard. His glasses were held together with aging surgical tape and he had a hoop earring dangling from his left ear. Clive couldn’t be sure, but he thought that he could see a dry smile creep across Dr. Phillis’s face.
“It’s certainly an odd situation Clive. Do you mind if I call you Clive?”
“It’s certainly an odd situation Clive. You said that this all started with a bike accident?”
“Right. Well I think that your testicles and your scrotum took the bulk of the impact and retracted into your lower abdomen. Now that explains their sudden…disappearance,” he said with a chuckle, “the weight gain I think can be attributed to an over production of semen.”
Clive looked down. He gave his swollen stomach a light rub and imagined it being full of his own sperm. He began to feel nauseous.
“Paddington Bear needs to unpack his bag!” shouted the doctor, now smiling ear to ear.
They discussed how Clive would go about “unpacking his bag”, as Dr. Phillis put it. Masturbation was the first suggestion, although Clive dismissed this, insisting that he’d done that since the accident and it hadn’t worked. The doctor then stood up and returned to his nest of thought, overlooking the hospital car park. The silence was so loud that Clive was convinced he could hear the tiny semen swimming around his belly.
“There is….one more option,” said Dr. Phillis after a minute or so. Clive looked up hopefully. “I have a drug that I’ve been working on in my laboratory at home. Don’t worry Clive me old sailor! I have a laboratory in my shed which is of National Health Service standards. The drug is called Dextrahydrochloridebyzantine 5. It’s an inhibition lowering drug. Not like a date rape drug Clive you dirty thing! No, no, no. It merely changes women’s perceptions of you. You appear virile, muscular, sexy,” he said, as his eyes widened and his lips smacked. He turned back to the window. “I would have tried this sort of thing myself but I’m afraid Mrs. Phillis would drop bombs! But I’m thinking, sex. Sex Clive. Hard sex with slim women.” he started laughing hysterically, slapping his knee and eventually coughing violently under the weight of his own wit.
“So what will happen?” asked Clive. Dr. Phillis composed himself.
“Your sperm will be transferred onto the women you sleep with.”
“Will they remember anything?”
“But…why would I want to make women-” he started.
“It’s the only way that you can return to human size. And you get to have sex with slim women. I would strongly consider your options here Cliveo.”
Clive sat in silence for a moment.
“What about…the side effects?”
The doctor spun around quickly from the window.
“Side effects?! You lose weight and get to have sex with beautiful women! How’s that for side effects?” he shouted, making a slight thrusting motion with his hips which did little to settle the nauseous feeling in his stomach.
Clive sat for a minute, and thought it over.