Tag Archives: dialogue

A Money Hole, Stupid

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* For a brief explanation of this weird project please click here.

What do you think it is?

Uhhh….a money hole.

A money hole? That’s stupid.

You’re stupid, stupid.

I’m not stupid, stupid. You’re a stupid stupid face.

……..No I’m not.

 

Let’s get a stick.

Where?

From a tree dummy.

Stop being mean to me!

Okay, I’m sorry. Go get a stick.

What’s the magic word?

 

Thank you.

If you find any money then it’s mine since I was the one who said it was a money hole.

That’s not how it works.

How does it works then?

I keep the money because I found it. You get the stick.

If you find money and don’t give it to me I’m telling.

 

I think I feel something!

Lemme see!

No!

Hey! I’m telling! Let me see!

You’re too little, stupid face.

Shut up! I wish you were dead.

 

Hey, come back. I’m sorry. Tyler I’m sorry.

No you’re not. You’re a big fat stupid meanie.

If you stop crying and don’t say anything to mom, I’ll give you half.

Half of what?

Half of all the money we find.

Promise?

 

Okay, I think I hooked something! It’s probably a tweny or fifty!!

Quickly quickly pull it out!!

Oh….

What is that?

I don’t know, it’s…it smells like…ewwwwww!

That’s it! I’m telling! Mom!!!

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Sixes – Korea Peoples Asia Pussy

Based on true story that happened to two friends of mine last weekend.

Hello?

Hello my friend!

Hello? Can uh, can I help you?

Yes.

What uh, what can I do for you?

You know the Asians?

 

I think you’ve got the wrong house, man.

It’s in this this buildings no? The Asians? Here.

There might be people from Asia in here, but I don’t know everyone here.

No the Asians? Korea peoples?

Perhaps.

Hats?

 

Try the intercom thing. You see, that thing there?

No no friend, this thing is no good. I need the pussy.

What?

The pussy. Asian pussy.

Uhhh…

Korea peoples Asia pussy.

 

Okay, I think maybe you’d better –

Hookers. I want it.

I really don’t think there are any of those here.

I need it. The hookers. Big hookers.

Have you – What’s that on your wrist?

Hands?

 

Which hospital did you come from?

I don’t know. Friend, where the pussy?

No, no the hospital. Which hospital?

It’s a big one. My friend, the Korea hookers I wanna see.

Uhh. This is too much man.

No, no, no too much. I have the money. See see?

 

It’s early dude, go away, I’m just not in the mood for this right now.

This the door?

The door to what dude? No hookers here. No me gusta, fuckin’, hookers, por fa-fuckin’-vor!

What?

Just get the fuck outta here man.

Yes! Fuck. I wanna the fuck all the big Asia pussy.

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The Hierarchy of Facebook Approval

Based on real conversations I have every day with my friend Kyle.

It’s a numbers game.
What is?
Facebook.
Yeah?
You’ve got to get your numbers up.
Fucking nonsense.

You’ve got to get your numbers up.
For what? What do the ‘likes’ even mean?
They mean people like something.
What people? Like what? Like you?
No. Just like what you said.
But why? Why do you care? Likes are not currency. They never run out.

Look, I got 28 ‘likes’ on my last status.
I don’t care.
I got 28, and your last status got…
I don’t give a fuck mate. I makes no diff-
Seven ‘likes’.
What?! Who cares!?!

Yeah baby, 29 ‘likes’ and oh, Janine Woodford says ‘LOL’.
I hate Janine Woodford, she sounds horrible.
She is. But still, a ‘LOL’ is one step higher than a ‘like’.
This is the hierarchy of Facebook approval? Where does a ROFLOL fit into it?
It goes: ‘Like’ bronze medal, ‘Comment’ silver medal, and ‘Share’, gold fuckin’ medal, baby.
One of your acquaintances saying, ‘Look at this thing this guy I know said, on Facebook’ is as good as it gets then eh?

It’s a game we all play, just some of us play it better than others.
Bullshit. You know what I think it is, I have a higher caliber of friends.
Nah. That’s not it. My friends are on point. They reflect me.
Exactly. Your friends are clapping seals and your status updates are haddock.
And what, your friends are a bunch of scientists and your status updates are beakers or something.
I do actually have scientist friends, so go fuck yourself.

You try to hide your personality. You’re all miserable on there, like a wet sock on a Monday morning,
Cute, is that your next update?
I think it might be.
No one’s going to ‘like’ that.
…………………….Oh! Janine Woodford likes this!
Fuck Janine Woodford. Let me see her.

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Fool

Whasssup boy? You shinin’ like a new toy.

What?

Come on Roy, spread some of that joy!

What joy? What are you talking about?

That stuff you got, it looks real hot.

Nah man, nah. I don’t understand.

 

So tell me, where you gaun, and where your coming from?

Dude, are you speaking only in rhymes?

I speak in rhyme all the time.

Why?

People’s give me dimes to rap in rhymes.

Honestly? That’s crazy.

 

So where you from Shaun?

Nebraska.

Nebraska, Nebraska. That near Alaska?

You know it isn’t.

It’s pretty near up in here.

Just because they sound close doesn’t mean they are close.

 

So lemme see some of that money honey.

I don’t have anything.

Sure you do, just a dime or two.

I don’t have anything.

How’s about you buy a bit and I’ll sell you some shit?

Yeah? What are you gonna sell me?

 

So what do you say Neil, we got us a deal?

I guess. When will it start working?

You’ll feel it start, like a knife to your heart.

I dunno man. I don’t feel anything yet.

Should be starting right about….now.

Oh yeah I got it. Alright man, I’m glad I bought it.

 

So how does it feel?

It feels pretty good. But you know, I never thought it would.

It aint so bad is it?

No. But lemme start at the top, how do I make it stop?

Same way I did fool. Pass it on for a couple of dimes. See ya.

Aw man, now I’m pissed! What fucking idiot would wanna buy this?

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Sugar Mama – Based on a True Story

The next bus will be along in about six minutes.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

Oh my god! I did not expect that big gruff voice!

That big gruff Scottish voice.

Oh it’s Scottish too!? That’s so sexy!

Haha. Thanks.

 

So you’re here on vacation?

Nope. I’m here to live.

Get the fuck out of here! How?

I’m married.

Really? Shit!

Yeah, I’m sorry about that.

 

So what do you do?

Ehhh, nothing. Yet.

I’ll give you a job.

Yeah? Doing what?

You can be my boyfriend.

Is that a job?

 

I’d take care of you honey.

I’m sure you would.

I could be your sugar mama.

And what would that entail?

My sugar’d stop you from getting bitter.

I need some of that sugar right now.

 

Is it true what they say about tall, skinny guys?

What do they say?

That you’re ehhh, well, you know… hung?

Of course. I’d rupture your spleen darling.

Baby, I don’t think you’d even touch the sides!

You know, you’re probably right.

 

I’m a home help these days.

Who do you help?

My man. He’s not well.

I’m sorry to hear that.

It’s okay. He’s getting better, I think.

I’m pleased to hear that.

 

Is this your stop?

Yeah, this is me.

Can I get a kiss before you go?

Yeah. Where?

Here.

Hahaha. No.

 

Okay, on the lips.

Alright.

Oooh! I’m going to be thinking about that at home tonight!

I’m sure you will be. What was your name by the way?

It’s Mark.

Ross. Nice to meet you.

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Untitled Scene

So who are we waiting on?

It’s not important.

How the fuck ain’t it important?

It just isn’t.

This is bullshit.

Just stop talking.

;

You got any money?

No.

Just give me a dollar.

Where’s your money?

Just gimme a mother fuckin’ dollar.

Will you shut the fuck up if I give you one?

;

You want some?

Get that away from me.

Suit yourself motherfucker.

That fuckin’ stinks. What the hell is that?

Fuckin’ dried squid.

What? Get that the fuck out of my car.

;

So you ain’t gonna tell me who we waiting on?

I already told you.

No you fuckin’ didn’t.

I told you it ain’t important.

That ain’t a person’s name.

It’s this person’s name.

;

That him?

Who the fuck said it was a him?

I did. Just then.

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

Well, it ain’t him.

;

I’m bored man. Can I put some music on?

No. I don’t like music.

Who the fuck don’t like music?

You deaf nigga? I don’t.

Obviously I’m not deaf or I wouldn’t be askin’ to play some music.

Oh you not deaf? Then hear this right here: Shut the fuck up!

;

So are we just gonna-

Hold up, hold up. Did you fart in ma fuckin’ car?

No I fuckin’ didn’t. It’s these stupid leather seats.

Ma seats don’t stink like your fuckin’ asshole!

How do you know it wasn’t you who done fuckin’ farted?

Nigga, what the fuck does that even mean?

;

You an ass man or tittie man?

You’re drivin’ me fuckin’ crazy foo. I’m an ass man! Okay!?!

Ha ha.

Shut the fuck up!

Oh shit, that the nigga we waitin’ on? That nigga a Chinaman!

Man, will you just shut the fuck up and let me do the fuckin’ thinkin’!?!

;

Okay, so what we gonna say?

We ain’t sayin’ shit. I’m sayin’ shit.

I ain’t got a speakin’ part?

No. You an extra.

So who the fuck are you then?

I’m fuckin’ Steve McQueen.

;

Knock Knock Fuckin’ Knock.

;

Can I help you?

Mr. Han, we’re here to talk to you about a man, who saw a man about a dog, sometime ago.

Okay, eh maybe eh, maybe you should come in.

Maybe we fuckin’ should bitch.

Please excuse my business associate Mr. Han. He’s murders people for money.

That’s fuckin’ right. After you, mother fucker.</

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