I felt like such a ‘man’ yesterday. It worried me.

I never feel like a ‘man’. I wear women’s jeans and think beer is too fizzy. But I was playing football against a group of women. Which was a problem for me. I felt far too positive about the whole gender diversity to fit in with either group. The men thought I was too feminine, and the women thought I had a bit too much penis. So I was on the fence. I wanted to be like:

“Right on sisters! You show these ‘men’ that the beautiful game is for everyone!”

But I was in the ‘men’s team. So I had to be like:

“Grrr. I bet she’s got a nice vagina.”

Or something like that. I was trying my best to improvise. I’d heard ‘men’ being ‘men’ enough to know that you can operate pretty freely within the boundaries of football, beer, women, cars, and MMA. I’d gotten quite good at knowing when to laugh and nod and how to shake my head disapprovingly and spit on the floor when someone mentioned the word ‘homo’. But I was in a bit of jam yesterday.

We were all doing our ‘man’s warmup. If you’ve ever seen an amateur team warming up for a match on a Sunday morning then you’ll know what this involves. Half of the team are lying on ground at the side of the pitch with a cigarette hanging from their mouth and bottle of Coke in their hand. The other, slightly more eager and marginally less hungover players are kicking footballs into an open net and scratching their testicles. Grrrr! There is always one player, usually the veteran of the team, that is stretching and doing laps of the pitch. But for the most part everyone is acting like a true professional within the realms of Sunday league. Lovin’ it! You just stand about talking about how you could have shagged this one Polish slag at the bar if you hadn’t been so wasted from all that beer! Way-hey! Mantastic behavior with sexual hip pumps thrown in every now and again to emphasize the sexism you feel you need to express in order to be a true man. Lager!

So the other team start doing laps of the pitch. And with them all being women and all of us being ‘men’, we just stopped kicking the ball into the net and started staring at them. We looked some kind of community council initiative team that tried to reform sex offenders through the medium of Sunday league football. We just stood there scratching our balls and talking about which girl you’d have sex with, the occasional player wondering which one would be open to having anal sex.

I gave my testicles a quick scratch too. I might have even taken it all a step further and licked my lips. I couldn’t say for sure. Anyone that has ever gotten deep into the psychological state of a dark, sexually advantageous character will testify that you can lose yourself in the moment. You might do things that you’ve never done before and add new dimensions to the character that you never knew existed.

I stopped short of actually raping anyone because I felt that I’d done enough to prove that I was a real man. I’d played the game, scored a couple of goals and pushed one of the girls over. I felt really bad about it but I couldn’t show that, so I spat on her and called her a “slut” while she was pulling herself up.

There is absolutely no point to me telling you any of this. Parts of it are true and parts of it are lies. I felt like a ‘man’ and I didn’t know who to turn to. My team mates don’t know that I have a blog because I feel like if I tell them about it then they might discover that I’m not actually a rapist. I’m just someone who aspires to be like a rapist on Sundays so that I can make friends.


I had a free half hour before work and threw this together because I wasn’t sure when I’d get another one. This is truly nonsense and has no direction, but it’s the best that a crispy brain could throw together quickly, without a single idea on where  it would start or end.



Ross x

19 thoughts on “‘Man’

  1. katinkatonka says:

    This is funny to me, because I think what a man think a “real man” is, women think it’s really childish. Women have a totally different picture of a real man. I think if you’re like you really are you’re a real man.

  2. Tam says:

    Off topic note:

    You’ve said before that you hate hipsters. Are you a hipster yourself? I mean you sound different from anybody I know. Of course in a deep good way. x

    • I’m a total hipster man. I couldn’t possibly deny that. Although I worry that it’s now becoming hip to admit that you’re hip.

      But I realized a while back that I really like all of the things I pretend to like, and that, when I really thought about it, there is no shame in liking cool stuff 😉

      I probably did say that I hated them in the past, but that was probably a massive defense mechanism. I just don’t really care for the people that dress like artists but don’t really do anything.

      • Tam says:

        First, I’m not a man! :p Secondly: You give the term hipster a new meaning and as you said there’s no shame in liking cool stuff, actually I’m a hipster and I don’t know it.

        Have a good day/night. x

      • When you say I give it a new meaning I hope that doesn’t mean that I’ve made the brethren ever more reprehensible!

        I’m sorry about the ‘man’ thing. Tam is the Scottish version of Tom. I thought you were a Scottish man called Tom. My apologies x

      • katinkatonka says:

        I think you said someday that you’re a hipster, but you’re not trying to be a hipster or something like that.
        I have to admit that I didn’t even know what a hipster is. 🙂 But there are funny videos on youtube. I think a hipster is cool if he doesn’t think he is better than others.

      • You’re like my memory love hahaha x

      • It is one of those redundant arguments because it seems that every “hipster” hates “hipsters” and everyone is pointing the finger at each other. I think it’s the biggest flaw with this generation. Too much hate and not enough love.

  3. Your post made me laugh. I hope you do wear women’s jeans because they suit a lot of guys better than men’s jeans which just look a macho mess in preparation for beer bellies and wearing shirts outside their jeans in an attempt to cover their fat. You somehow seem rather more stylish. Hope the uber macho stuff about rape and spitting wasn’t true though.

    • I have to be honest and say that I wear them because 1. They’re cheaper and 2. Because they look better on me than guy’s jeans do! It’s gotten to the point now where I feel more comfortable in them. Whenever I wear looser clothing I find myself being a bit sluggish and lazy, yet as soon as I throw on the skinnies I’m up and doing stuff. Perhaps it’s the trapping of blood and the reduced sperm count….

      None of the raping and spitting stuff was true hahahaha x

  4. VG says:

    Why is it that with every writing I think that you are actually in all of them, and experiencing everything. And then I reach the bottom and you say it was all nonsense….my brain noodles get tangled before I can think again :/
    Anyways this was great, definitely a good starting piece 🙂

    • Well, the thing is, I kind of am in a lot of them, but then I get a bit self-conscious at the end and just say that none of it is true! When you read something like that again from me, just ignore the nonsense I write at the end hahaha x

  5. rynnasaryonnah says:

    Haven’t been here in a long time but I loved this – I thought it was honest and humorous.

  6. Christine says:

    I just found your blog and when I finished reading this post, I was like: ‘The hell did I just read?’ But I really like your writing style. Definitely gonna come here again if you don’t mind♥

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