Here’s a timeline until now.
1987 – Born. Shat myself and cried about it a lot.
1988 – Shat myself just as much but learned it was part of life and didn’t cry so much.
1989 – Shat myself significantly less but started crying about other things.
1990 – Brother born. Started laughing and being condescending to others who shat themselves.
1991 – Painted a our family cat.
1992 – Started school.
1993 – Got my first erection. Started playing football.
1994 – No memories.
1995 – Grandfather died. Won my first football trophy.
1996 – Started drawing. Stopped drawing. Played football. Got another erection.
1997 – Father died.
1998 – First girlfriend. Held hands.
1999 – Watched Manchester United win treble at my friend’s house. Started High School.
2000 – Learned to play “What’s My Age Again?” on guitar.
2001 – Watched second Trade Tower fall after skipping school and masturbating all day.
2002 – Played more guitar. Got drunk and stoned for the first time.
2003 – Lost my virginity behind the Ballachulish Village Hall. Cried.
2004 – Left school. Played guitar. Started smoking.
2005 – Went to University. Didn’t have sex the whole year. Experienced depression for the first time.
2006 – Life got pretty good. Made friends.
2007 – Went to my first comedy show. Had my first ‘real’ girlfriend. Started wearing skinny jeans.
2008 – Broke up with first girlfriend. Started comedy exactly four years ago. Moved to South Korea. Started teaching. Started drinking heavily.
2009 – Moved back to Scotland to pursue stand-up comedy. Moved back to Korea because Scotland and comedy were equally awful. Shat myself once.
2010 – Got girlfriend. Lost girlfriend. Made more friends. Wrote something ‘serious’ for the first time. Met a wonderful person. Made YouTube video. Left for India.
2011 – Traveled India and Nepal. Came back to Korea. Got serious about my life. Got published a few times. Visited my new home town. Started thinking differently about everything.
2012 – Made decision to move to the USA. Quit teaching. Started writing.
I could have gone into a lot more detail but I’m running late for work. I might update this later and let you know more about the life led so far. I can’t remember too much of the ‘formative’ years. But I can’t help but think I’m really going through them right now.
Anyway, happy birthday to me. I couldn’t be happier with how I’ve spent the years to be honest. I hope I’m lucky enough to get at least twenty-five more.