Happy Birthday

Here’s a timeline until now.


1987 – Born. Shat myself and cried about it a lot.

1988 – Shat myself just as much but learned it was part of life and didn’t cry so much.

1989 – Shat myself significantly less but started crying about other things.

1990 – Brother born. Started laughing and being condescending to others who shat themselves.

1991 – Painted a our family cat.

1992 – Started school.

1993 – Got my first erection. Started playing football.

1994 – No memories.

1995 – Grandfather died. Won my first football trophy.

1996 – Started drawing. Stopped drawing. Played football. Got another erection.

1997 – Father died.

1998 – First girlfriend. Held hands.

1999 – Watched Manchester United win treble at my friend’s house. Started High School.

2000 – Learned to play “What’s My Age Again?” on guitar.

2001 – Watched second Trade Tower fall after skipping school and masturbating all day.

2002 – Played more guitar. Got drunk and stoned for the first time.

2003 – Lost my virginity behind the Ballachulish Village Hall. Cried.

2004 – Left school. Played guitar. Started smoking.

2005 – Went to University. Didn’t have sex the whole year. Experienced depression for the first time.

2006 – Life got pretty good. Made friends.

2007 – Went to my first comedy show. Had my first ‘real’ girlfriend. Started wearing skinny jeans.

2008 – Broke up with first girlfriend. Started comedy exactly four years ago. Moved to South Korea. Started teaching. Started drinking heavily.

2009 – Moved back to Scotland to pursue stand-up comedy. Moved back to Korea because Scotland and comedy were equally awful. Shat myself once.

2010 – Got girlfriend. Lost girlfriend. Made more friends. Wrote something ‘serious’ for the first time. Met a wonderful person. Made YouTube video. Left for India.

2011 – Traveled India and Nepal. Came back to Korea. Got serious about my life. Got published a few times. Visited my new home town. Started thinking differently about everything.

2012 – Made decision to move to the USA. Quit teaching. Started writing.


I could have gone into a lot more detail but I’m running late for work. I might update this later and let you know more about the life led so far. I can’t remember too much of the ‘formative’ years. But I can’t help but think I’m really going through them right now.

Anyway, happy birthday to me. I couldn’t be happier with how I’ve spent the years to be honest. I hope I’m lucky enough to get at least twenty-five more.




Ross x




10 thoughts on “Happy Birthday

  1. Hope you have the happiest of you days!

  2. katinkatonka says:

    Hahaha! I’ve never heard the sentence “Happy Birthday to me”

    In North-Germany you are now an old sock. 🙂

    Have a wonderful day!

  3. Tam says:

    Happy birthday, Ross! All the best.

    Please, please make sure to update this list! x

  4. Have a nice day even if it’s due to the calendar. x

  5. Shawn says:

    Can’t believe it’s been a year since I wished you a Happy Bday at 24 ’cause nobody remembers your birthday except Facebook. 🙂

    All the same and as the beginning of old song says, “Happy, happy birthday, baby.” (forget the rest of the song). May this year and the new adventure be all that you hope for and more.


  6. I think your life as Ross began when you started wearing skinny jeans!
    Happy Birthday – all the best for your 25th year and hope to see you very soon. Send us an update when you have time. Looking forward to that slap up meal in NY! xx

    • Thanks for the birthday wishes and apologies for the belated response. Been hectic here trying to save the money to leave. Shouldn’t be long now though Ruthy!

      Hows things your end? Still loving the life in the land of the freedom slam dunk apple pie jolly rancher gun toting nation of dreams? xXx

  7. Christina says:

    2011 – Went to the same University as you did. Didn’t have sex the whole year. Experienced depression for the first time.

    • I’m glad to see that you’re at Glasgow Uni now though. Paisley is an awful, awful university and a hideous wee town. I was so happy I got out when I did. How’s Glasgow these days?

  8. Johnny says:

    Happy Birthday man!

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