Minutes From North Korean Meeting – Wikileaks Exclusive

Committee Meeting for the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea

Members present: Rhee Ji Woon, Park Tae-Eun, Kim Soo Wan, Choi Bum San, Jin Soo-min, Ban Tae Wan, Lee Tae Hyun, Park Jo Yeong and Lee Min Sook

Minutes from Previous Meeting

The issues of idle foot soldiers and the abhorrent lack of statues to the Dear Leader in certain rural areas of the country were resolved by administering the Army with the task of building more statues.

The minor issue of poverty and starvation amongst certain communities within the Great Nation remains. The Radiant Comrade Dr. Rhee Ji Woon has mooted at several solutions to the problem but admitted that they have yet to bring any success. Adjourned until further notice.


Purpose of Meeting: Discussing details of press release announcing Dear Leader Kim Jong Il’s death.

Points of discussion:

1 . How the Dear Leader departed this life and details of death.

2. The Dear Leader’s Final words

3. How the Dear Leader spent his final day

4. Tributes and Organization of mourning

Formidable General Park Tae-Eun commenced the meeting with a two hour tribute to the Dear Leader, paying his sincerest respects and offering the committee general some choice anecdotes about how the Dear Leader single-handedly brought around thirty-two thousand American pig soldiers to justice from his gun turret during the Wonderful War of 1950.

The committee paid tribute to the Dear Leader with a meal of live Lobster boiled in Champagne and sieved through cloth weaved from Lion’s mane. Meeting commenced.

  1. 1.       How the Dear Leader departed this life and the details of his death.

Upon receiving the Dignified coroner Kim Soo Wan’s report that the Dear Leader suffered a coronary heart attack, the committee agreed that amendments were to be made to the report, and discussions regarding cause of death commenced.

The Willful Adviser Choi Bum San put forward the suggestion that the Dear Leader died wrestling a shark-bear hybrid in the foothills bordering China. The group was unanimous that no animal, hybrid or pure bred, could defeat the Dear Leader, and they opted against this as a possible cause of death.

The Effervescent Commander of Communications, Jin Soo-min, suggested that the cause of death was not a heart attack, but that his heart was ruptured beyond repair because he loved the comrades of the Republic too much.

A vote was had and the committee voted 8-1 that the Dear Leader did in fact die because he cared too much for the people of North Korea.


  1. 2.       The Dear Leader’s Final words

The Distinguished Warrior General Ban Tae Wan was at the Dear Leader’s side at his death and suggested that the public were told that, rather than collapse on the floor and choke on lobster and cognac, he gave a dignified speech explaining his imminent elevation to the throne of the Gods before his heart broke under the weight of his adoration for his fellow comrades.

The Distinguished Warrior General Ban Tae Wan suggested using some choice lines of divine inspiration from some of the Dear Leader’s previous speeches, with the Dear Leader using his death bed as a podium to encourage stability and subservience among the population. The committee agreed that this would be the most appropriate course of action.


  1. 3.       How the Dear Leader spent his final day

The committee brainstormed possible activities and/or world records that the Dear Leader was breaking on the day prior to his death.

Possible suggestions were as follows:

  • Breaking the world hop scotch record
  • Teaching a crippled child how to load a canon and point it towards Tokyo.
  • Stood in as midwife and administered a cesarean in the back of his jeep. The mother tried to insist that the child be named Kim Jong Il, but the Dear Leader, in a typical showing of humility and modesty, begged her not to subject him to such flattery.

The committee was completely divided on which challenge the Dear Leader was overcoming on the day of his death, and so opted to go with all three.


1.  4.       Tributes and Organization of Mourning

As expected, the committee was unanimously in favor of declaring Monday December 19th as the beginning of the official Great Month of Glorious Mourning. All non-hard labor would be suspended for the month and all hard labor workers would be forced to triple their output as a mark of respect for the Dear Leader and as a testament to joys of Socialism.

The Breathtaking Minister for Social Affairs Lee Tae Hyun suggested that on Monday December 19th 2011 all nouns would replaced with ‘Kim Jong Il’. He offered an example of how this would work:

“I’m just going to the Kim Jong Il to buy some Kim Jong Ils, some Kim Jong Ils and a couple of Kim Jong Ils for Kim Jong Il tonight”.

The committee voted in favor of this suggestion.*


The meeting was adjourned by The Righteous General of Freedom Park Jo Yeong. He led the comrades in a seven hour prayer for the Great Leader.

Points for Next Meeting:

  • Minimum volume of tears shed per household in tribute to the Dear Leader.
  • Possible female suitors for the sixteen plus liters of the Dear Leader’s sperm housed in his underground laboratory.
  • Solution to poverty spreading further, although the Radiant Comrade Dr. Rhee Ji Woon has insisted that it is not a matter of priority when compared with the minimum tear allowance. The committee unanimously agreed.

Meeting closed.


The Translucent Secretary Lee Min Sook

*Note: For the remainder of the Great Month of Glorious Mourning it was decided that all superlatives would be replaced with the words ‘Kim Jong Il’.

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4 thoughts on “Minutes From North Korean Meeting – Wikileaks Exclusive

  1. Gooch says:

    i loved this kim jong il, it really put a kim jong il on my kim jong il

  2. Dre says:


  3. fish says:

    is he II or dead

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