Today is St. Andrews Day. I have decided to be REALLY Scottish.

I am listening to this on repeat :

I am scrubbing English blood from my kilt with a soapy crisp packet.

I am putting salt and brown sauce on my deep fried pizza.

I am drinking Bells 8 year blend from a deer’s bladder I found in a council skip.

I am shooting dusty brown smack into the vein between my toes.

I am shouting at traffic.

I am getting a handjob in a bus shelter.

I am fighting you because you’re not from where I’m from.

I am throwing logs in a field.

I am putting on spf200 sunscreen because the weather man said it would ‘clear up a little’ in the afternoon.

I am impregnating my second cousin as a 30th birthday present to her mother.

I am being louder than everyone except the Irish.

I am ‘oching’ and ‘ayeing’ my way to the back of the dole queue, mumbling racial insults at the ‘fuckin’ bead rattlin’ fenian Polaks that stole ma job’ , trying my hardest not to crack open that can of Special Brew in the plastic bag masquerading as my briefcase, and start getting fucked in the Job Center.

I am looking at Scotland from a far and remembering how great it never ever was.

I celebrating St. Andrew’s day as far away from that country as I have been able to get.

I am not proud of being Scottish. I just happened to be born there.

Irvine Welsh said it best.

Peece oot cunt.


Ross MacGardiner

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3 thoughts on “

  1. jessicaeve89 says:

    This makes me miss my family. And deep fried pizza.

  2. katja says:


    Scotland is beautiful! I’d like to go there any time with my husband. Maybe without the kids just to relax a little bit.

    And Paolo Nutini has covered this song! I love him.

  3. Shawn says:

    Aaaawwww. Funny, funny, funny —- but sad.

    Contempt is a badge of honor at 24. It allows one to break free without regret.

    As you get older, compassion takes its place. Over the years, a certain longing for the despised home and people may grow (perhaps against your will) when you see that every place has its warts. Case in point: think of your adventure earlier this year. Then you will be able to take what you like and leave the rest behind.

    This was true for me anyway. But now with the disgusting political and economic situation in my country, I’m starting to think about leaving again. If it weren’t for family [and the great weather 🙂 ….

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