Clive’s Balls – Part Two

Sat in the corner of the bar, quietly drinking a Vodka and slimline tonic, Clive scanned the bar for potential test pilots for his Dextrahydrochloridebyzantine 5. He could feel his heart beating in his chest. He was nervous that someone should see him dropping the fluid into someone else’s glass. He had enough problems in his life without worrying about a sexual assault trial. A beautiful blonde girl came and sat at the table next to Clive’s. She looked as though she was waiting for someone. She gave a quick glance at the hefty young man sat next to her.

“Do you know where the toilets are?” she asked him with a smile. Clive pointed to the door on the other side of the bar. He could see his finger trembling like jelly.

“Thanks” she said, standing up and walking towards the door.

He fumbled around in his pocket for the small bottle. His sausage fingers wrapped around it and sat it on the table in front of him.

Dextrahydrochloridebyzantine 5
Testicle Extraction Medicine
To be ingested by sexual partner two hours prior to intercourse
Prescribed by Dr. Marcus Phillis

He looked at it for a second, bit his lip and unscrewed the dropper. ‘Two small drops should do the trick Clivey boy’ he heard Dr. Phillis say.


Clive awoke the following morning six kilograms lighter. He was delighted with the success of Dextrahydrochloridebyzantine 5. He’d had to leave the blonde girl’s flat early in morning in case she thought that someone had had sex with her against her will. But she had wanted it, he told himself, all I did was help her realize it. He had looked at her as she slept naked in the morning. She had developed a gut and a double chin over night. Clive tried not to let this guilt get in the way of his happiness. He was going to be thin again! And the road to success would involve a lot of sex with beautiful, slim women! Fantastic!

The next few months of Clive’s life were a lot of fun. He had been having a lot of sex with a lot of beautiful women and hadn’t felt in the least bit bad about it. He saw it as essential to survival. Dr. Phillis had warned him that he needed to drain himself regularly lest he explode. Every woman that he fornicated with was left heavier than before and Clive was always left thinner. He would go for weekly check-ups with the doctor and he confirmed that Clive’s testicles were getting closer and closer to their original location.

Six months passed and Clive had almost returned to normal. He had a little podgy fat around his hips and his breasts drooped south slightly. He was delighted with his progress and estimated that he needed to have sex one more time to return to his original shape. It was a Friday night and he had managed to squeeze himself into his old clothes, ready for a night out on the town. He had decided that he would go out without his trusty Dextrahydrochloridebyzantine 5 and see if he could have sex with a thin, beautiful woman without it.

He looked around all night, desperate to find a woman to pass the last of his heft onto. He spotted two of the women he had slept with before and noted their weight gain. How disgusting, he thought. Clive recognized them perfectly, but they had no recollection of him. He quickly went to the toilet for a pee. He checked the space between his legs for any sign of his testicles. Hurrah! There were two slight lumps at the base of his penis. He prodded them with his finger and felt that familiar sensation zip through his body. He rushed back to his table in the corner of the bar.

He quickly finished his drink and sat back in his chair, ‘scouting for totty’, as Dr. Phillis put it. He saw the same big old fatties rolling and bumping around the bar. None of these will do, he thought. Suddenly, a gorgeous brunette with olive skin and beaming, soft eyes sat down next to him.

“Hello” she said with a smile.

Clive was confused. He hadn’t used any Dextrahydrochloridebyzantine 5, so why was she talking to him?  Could it be possible that he was finally sexy?

They chatted back and forth and got along famously. They decided to go home together.


Clive woke the follwing morning, confused by his surroundings. Where was he? Someone lay asleep next to him. He vaguely remembered the night before. How much had he drunk? He got up and walked through to the toilet. He had a quick pee and inspected the space between his legs. There was nothing there!? His testicles had retracted again!

“No!” shouted Clive, he was so confused. He looked up at his naked body in the mirror. “No!?” Clive shouted again. He was at least six kilograms heavier! His soft hip padding was now a love cushion and his breasts had dropped further south.

He rushed back in the bedroom and saw that the girl lying on the bed was enormous! She had huge flaps of meaty white skin hanging from her arms and her blue veiny legs were spread across the mattress. But she didn’t have any breasts, just a flat piece of skin where they should be. He was so confused. Clive started to gather his now ill-fitting clothes together. He needed to get home and think this over. Just as he was about to leave the flat, he spotted something that made him stop in his tracks.

Dextrahydrochloridebyzantine 6
Breast Extraction Medicine
To be ingested by sexual partner two hours prior to intercourse
Prescribed by Dr. Marcus Phillis


By Felicity Granger, 17, Basingstoke

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

17 thoughts on “Clive’s Balls – Part Two

  1. ebru says:

    now this is an amazing, funny piece which i really had a lot of fun reading it. As an addicted reader of your blog and your stories, this also shocked me in the way to realize and applause your talent once more. besides your panic attack story and dear calcutta letters, which offered a lot of emotion, literature taste and satisfaction, this gave me an enormous light feeling of a nice english 5 o’clock tea taste. I am not a hell well equipped critic or any expert for literature, but as a reader i look for a good sense of humour and quality in which i have really scarce time to read anything anytime, so this is definitely a nice one, i enjoyed it, laughed a lot, and that reminded me the ben stiller movies. :)) anyway, i agree with shawn, hope to see your published novels on the bookstore shelves soon… 🙂

  2. Katja says:

    I’m a little bit confused. Why want a woman her breast smaller? Would she like to be a man? I’m curious to know more.

    • Katja says:

      I’m sorry! I’m so stupid! She want them bigger, of course. But why didn’t work anything at that night?

  3. Lisa* says:

    I had to read the end a couple of times, but I get it now, silly me.
    Still leaves me wondering what Clive was going to do, like I guess keep using his medication till he is back to normal…or forever if he stays like that, or ends up getting fat again if he stops using it.

    Good job on the story, I like it.

    • I know, it is confusing. The ending, or the whole story depending on how you look at it, doesn’t make any sense when you think about it for more than a second.

      Like many of the things I’ve written in Nepal, they lack structure and depth (much like the place itself if I’m honest) but I quite like some of the lines in this story so I may disect Clive’s Balls and extract the healthier blobs of literary semen and atrificially inseminate another story later. You may find yourself reading some of the wittier parts again in another tale. I hope that you don’t mind 🙂 x

      • Lisa* says:

        That’s cool though, like one of those endings that makes people think about it, and come up with their own ideas as to what happend.

        Keep doing what you’re doing Ross, your writing will only get better as you go on. No pressure. This is your blog, i’m just along for the ride. I’ve enjoyed all your stories so far, reading them as I procrastinate from doing homework of course (which is inevitable regardless) 🙂
        Do you dream? because, I usually get my story ideas from my weird and crazy dreams, I guess if you ever run out of ideas that you come up with regularly…

        But yes pal, please, write more like this. I love the wittiness.

  4. Katja says:

    If I were Clive, I wouldn’t go. I would wake her up and talk about it. Maybe she looked very beautiful before she became ill. Hope they will find a solution together. 🙂 I’m sorry, but I think, this story is a little bit superficial so far. Because only good looking people are attractive and so on…

    • The main problem with this story is that it’s shite. Basically. I have been going through a bit of writer’s block the last couple of weeks and I’ve been sort of under pressure (only from myself you must understand) to keep up with the blog every few days. So I’m just sort of throwing up the back catalogue of crap that sitting on my desktop.

      I seem to have been caught up in Kathmandu’s lazy pace of life and I can’t seem to do anything creative when I sit down at the computer.

      That said, I’m in the process of moving to a place which seems to have been my muse and inspiration for the last few years, so hopefully, if you keep reading of course, it will get better in time.

      But I appreciate your words. They sort of back of what I’ve been thinking about this story for a while. x

      • Katja says:

        This story has entertained me and I have laughed. So thank you and don’t worry. I’m your fan. I like talking about stories and I hope, I don’t get on anybody’s nerves.

  5. Catherine says:

    Hey, I have been reading many many of your stories and I must say you have incredible talent it is always a joy to read what you are writing no matter what mood I am in it manages to bring me into the world of the story! Great job with what you are doing, I like that you are living you life by what I understood based on what makes you happy not what people expect or want :)… and if you are wondering how I got to your blog it is thanks to you wonderful facebook video. (which was amazing and touching may add!)

    • Thanks for reading Catherine! I appreciate your kind words and I’ll try to use them to spur me onto writing something a bit better than the shite I’ve been throwing at my sticky blog wall in the past few weeks.

      I shall rise again when I return Seoul! Not long now baby! x

      • Catherine says:

        This is your blog and if I am still here reading means you are doing a great job 🙂 One of the reasons I like reading your things is because you make it your own… And every now and then people loose a bit of inspiration don’t rush or force yourself it will come in time when you find something to inspire you. And till then I will still be here reading what you write with a smile, since to be honest reading your blog makes my day brighter 🙂

  6. Shawn says:

    Hey Ross,

    No need to feel you have to enthrall us with a new, wildly entertaining story every few days. Kill the pressure. You could just write a few lines about what you observe on your travels. Notice I said “few.” We’ll be here.

    P.S. I liked the girl-with-balloon background (my hubby thought it was creepy). Are you bringing it back anytime?

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  8. Felica Vila says:

    a little off-topic, do you work with a free of charge skin with your blog? i adored it.

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