Clive’s Balls – Part One

Clive awoke in a ditch, looking up to the stars twinkling in the night’s sky. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the wheel of his bike still spinning hopefully next to his head. He tried to stand up but immediately felt a pain in his right wrist, like a thin bolt of electricity shooting from his hand and to his shoulder. He eased himself up with his left arm and suddenly noticed a difference in his groin. There was no pain, just an absence. He looked over both shoulders, making sure that he was alone on the dark country road, and peered into his tracksuit bottoms. The light from the quarter moon hovering in the sky did little to brighten the murky depth between his legs. Everything seems okay, he thought.

Clive awoke the following morning and the pain in his wrist had eased. He breathed a sigh of relief and got up to walked to the bathroom. He started this day like he did all others; with a simple pee. He looked down at his penis in his hand. Something didn’t seem right. That sense of absence was now more than a feeling. He could see it. Suddenly all of the air rushed from his body at once. His testicles!? They were gone! No balls, and no bag to contain them. They had disappeared. But there was no evidence of them being removed or any path of migration. Clive was terrified. He looked up from his crotch and caught his reflection in the mirror. His once muscular frame had melted a bit. He was fat! Not obese, but certainly on the road to being so. Clive couldn’t understand what had happened. The accident from the night before hadn’t left much in the way of physical damage, just a limp wrist he was sure would heal and his lost testicles would soon return to their original hiding place. But the sudden injection of fat had aroused plenty of suspicion in him. Overnight he had gone from being a muscular young man to a fattening young man. He was too confused to think it over and decided to go back to bed in the hope that this unwelcomed change in physique would right itself by the time he woke again.

But it didn’t.

After a week of hoping he gave up. In this time Clive had even returned to the ditch in a desperate search for a discarded pair of testicles. He would have even been satisfied to find someone else’s. But there was nothing testicle-esque to be found. He continued to gain weight and was now far too big for his clothes. He decided that it was time to see a doctor.

“As you can see from the x-ray, your testicles are here” said Dr. Phillis, as he tapped the large white blotch with his pen. Clive felt a shooting pain in his stomach. “To extract and reattach them would be a very dangerous operation.”

The doctor suddenly sprung up from behind his desk and slid towards the window overlooking the hospital car park.

“How dangerous?” asked Clive, breaking the tense silence. Dr. Phillis let out a sharp rush of air, like a sword through a car tire. He turned back to Clive.

Very dangerous. You see,” he started, stroking his beard, “your testicles, the cheeky buggers, seem to have lodged themselves inside your body and have started to swell at an unprecedented rate. If we were to remove them through an operation then you would risk losing them altogether, sacrificing your decision to have children later in life.”

Clive looked at the Doctor Phillis. He was a peculiar looking person. He was a short, fat man, around the same weight that Clive was on Wednesday in fact. His black scraggly hair waved out from his scalp and faded into his curiously red beard. His glasses were held together with aging surgical tape and he had a hoop earring dangling from his left ear. Clive couldn’t be sure, but he thought that he could see a dry smile creep across Dr. Phillis’s face.

“It’s certainly an odd situation Clive. Do you mind if I call you Clive?”


“It’s certainly an odd situation Clive. You said that this all started with a bike accident?”


“Right. Well I think that your testicles and your scrotum took the bulk of the impact and retracted into your lower abdomen. Now that explains their sudden…disappearance,” he said with a chuckle, “the weight gain I think can be attributed to an over production of semen.”

Clive looked down. He gave his swollen stomach a light rub and imagined it being full of his own sperm. He began to feel nauseous.

“Paddington Bear needs to unpack his bag!” shouted the doctor, now smiling ear to ear.

They discussed how Clive would go about “unpacking his bag”, as Dr. Phillis put it. Masturbation was the first suggestion, although Clive dismissed this, insisting that he’d done that since the accident and it hadn’t worked. The doctor then stood up and returned to his nest of thought, overlooking the hospital car park. The silence was so loud that Clive was convinced he could hear the tiny semen swimming around his belly.

“There is….one more option,” said Dr. Phillis after a minute or so. Clive looked up hopefully. “I have a drug that I’ve been working on in my laboratory at home. Don’t worry Clive me old sailor! I have a laboratory in my shed which is of National Health Service standards. The drug is called Dextrahydrochloridebyzantine 5. It’s an inhibition lowering drug. Not like a date rape drug Clive you dirty thing! No, no, no. It merely changes women’s perceptions of you. You appear virile, muscular, sexy,” he said, as his eyes widened and his lips smacked. He turned back to the window. “I would have tried this sort of thing myself but I’m afraid Mrs. Phillis would drop bombs! But I’m thinking, sex. Sex Clive. Hard sex with slim women.” he started laughing hysterically, slapping his knee and eventually coughing violently under the weight of his own wit.

“So what will happen?” asked Clive. Dr. Phillis composed himself.

“Your sperm will be transferred onto the women you sleep with.”

“Will they remember anything?”


“But…why would I want to make women-” he started.

“It’s the only way that you can return to human size. And you get to have sex with slim women. I would strongly consider your options here Cliveo.”

Clive sat in silence for a moment.

“What about…the side effects?”

The doctor spun around quickly from the window.

“Side effects?! You lose weight and get to have sex with beautiful women! How’s that for side effects?” he shouted, making a slight thrusting motion with his hips which did little to settle the nauseous feeling in his stomach.

Clive sat for a minute, and thought it over.

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16 thoughts on “Clive’s Balls – Part One

  1. Deidre Green says:

    Haha, this is definitely visionary.

    “His testicles!? They were gone!”
    Made me giggle.

  2. Robin says:

    Take the drug! Please Clive, Take the drug hahahaha

  3. Katja says:

    Hahaha! I had a bike accident years ago, lucky me I’m a woman.

    No! Don’t take it! There must be a big hook! You can’t have beautiful women so easy!!

  4. Lisa* says:

    This is very imaginative.
    Better than what my crazy mind could ever think up!

  5. Shawn says:

    Hi Ross,
    OK, please don’t take this the wrong way because I do realize you wrote this only in fun, but I’d like to offer a critique, which may be way off. Feel free to ignore and remove post.

    There is a lot to like about this, and there are some areas where you could tighten it up. While it’s funny, I think this piece is not as strong as the others you’ve written so far. I think you could add a little depth to the doc so he’s not so typically mustache twirling and giddy about trying his new drug. I’m sure he’s at least a little sympathetic about poor Clive’s situation, but this is not shown. His dialogue is great though.

    Also, the plot point about cause of the swelling ONLY being relieved by massive amounts of sex and the drug causing Clive to be desirable to any woman just seems like any teenage boy’s fantasy. It’s quite possible that you were going for the obvious just for silly humor, but I’m not sure.

    I thought you did a good job with Clive — especially where you show him reacting rather explain his feelings. His fear and frustration was nicely shown in his physical reactions to the situation such as, “Clive felt a shooting pain in his stomach.”

    Anyway … hope you don’t mind my two cents.

    • I really appreciate the comments man, and always enjoy the constructive ones.
      I’m trying to work on developing characters because it is my weakest point for sure. I’m finding it really hard to figure out how to get a character defined (without being two-dimensional) in a short story. The longer stuff is a bit easier for me because it’s gradual, but with the short stuff I’m sort of lost. It’s trying to find that balance between plot and characters that I’m finding tough.

      Any pointers on how I could improve this? x

      • Shawn says:

        I don’t pretend to know much, but I do love to read, so here’s my opinion.

        Well, every character wants something. That’s their motivation for everything they say and do. Dialogue, gestures, mannerisms and observations about your characters reveal who they are as much as (and sometimes more than) what they do within the plot.

        Take, for example, the doc. He could have been fleshed out a little more simply by having him frown a little and inhale sharply before giving Clive the bad news. He could look a bit sad and have trouble looking Clive in the eyes in between quotes. This shows that he is sympathetic and that he is uncomfortable giving bad news (if indeed that is the case!). Also, you can tell something about a character not only by what you see, but by what you DON’T see. The doctor’s office or appearance could be described in more detail. Does he have a family portrait, a bare wall, a wedding ring or a tan line where a ring should be? For the latter, it shows he’s recently divorced. Maybe that’s why he’s a bit obsessive.

        You’ll also want to show rather than tell as often as possible. “Clive couldn’t understand what had happened.” Show me this instead. You can have him talk or think to himself, e.g., “It’s just not possible!” he said and threw his beard trimmer at the mirror, cracking it. “How could this happen?” Something like that but better :-). This way, you’re still moving the story forward, but you’re showing his reaction AND you’re also telling us he has a beard (OK I threw that in there).

        We get that he had a great body before, so you should expand that and have him really mourn that. No one would love him now that he’s fat and ugly. Maybe he has no self esteem? Who knows? That’s up to you. This makes the reader sympathetic to poor Clive. That’s probably why the doc’s proposal would appeal. (That said, I still think the drug idea is questionable).

        You can also use action to show character. You did that by showing Clive’s accident (he’s a biker). But there is more to Clive than just that. For added effect, combine action with dialogue and character-driven gestures to reveal character. Adding dialogue helps move the story along because it also gives your characters something to do while they are speaking: Here’s a melodramatic, exaggerated (that’s redundant isn’t it?) example: “You’re a no-good charlatan,” she said slapping his face. Grabbing her arm before she could slap him again, he said, “You didn’t seem to mind when it benefitted you.” She struggled to pull her arm away and said, “You’re hurting me.” “Yes,” he said coldly, “I am.”

        If you were like Clive, and you had just heard this terrible news, what would you’re reaction be? Maybe you’d be sweating, feeling faint, grabbing onto the arms of the chair, listening to the tick, tick, tick of the clock while the doctor drones on. Now, pretend you’re Clive. Write down everything Clive hears, sees, feels — including that “shooting pain in his stomach,” which you described so well.

        And for the record, I hear you about the short stories. I do write a little on the side (badly) just for fun, so I know it’s hard to put into practice, but you need to keep developing your skills because you’ve got talent. Within the next five years, I want to see a Ross Gardiner novel.

      • Thanks for taking the time to write all of this man! I dig what you’re saying about the characterisation (or lack of I should say). I wrote this with a specific word count in mind, sort of using it as a way to test myself. I have been trying to tell a story in under two thousand words and I think with this one I dwelled too much on trying to give the plot a twist at the end (something I’ve only ever done in stand-up comedy, never really in written stuff).
        In dwelling on plot I didn’t leave myself enough space to bring any of the characters out of the woodwork. It’s a shame because I do like so of the stuff in it and the way it’s written is slightly closer to how I would like short stories, but if this story had been three thousand words instead of two, I think that it would have been much better. I would have tried to define the characters a bit better and would have perhaps worked on making the ending a bit less confusing.

        I’ve only been writing and reading books for about a year so hopefully in the coming months, when I get a good opportunity to sit down a work really hard at defining my “style”, we’ll see a big improvement in what I’m writing. The stuff with Gerry is my strongest stuff because it feels more like ‘me’ than anything else I’ve written on here. Since it’s still the early days I’m being influenced by every book I read, and that is very infuriating when you’re trying to establish your voice.

        Keep reading man, I promise that things will get better in the coming months. I really want to get ahead with the (whisper) novel I’m working on, but I need to cut the internet cable and get stuck into it. It’s not going to write itself after all!

        Piece brethren! x

  6. John says:

    I think <> is gonna end up hunting you down like that psyco woman from the film ‘misery’! beware my fanny magnet friend!

  7. Zondrae says:

    “He would have even been satisfied to find someone else’s.”

    That’s the line that cracked me up too early on a Tuesday morning.


  8. we accustomed to believe often altering within the hair shampoo results in way more hairfall however ough stated all of us “should” change it available frequently

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