5. Leavin’ Goa – Part Two

So I bored a wee Mechano bus to Panajim and had tae stand fir the whole fuckin’ journey. An hour and a half cramped up against the door in a bus with about forty-thousand people crammed in beside me. It was an arduous voyage brethren, let me tell you that. When I got to Panajim I planned to get the next sleeper bus going to Bombay. I didn’t really know what I would do when I got there but I figured I would read the Lonely Planet and work something out. That fuckin’ Lonely Planet man. As soon as my pasty, arctic white hands pull that book out of ma massive brand-new, shiny rucksack, I might as well have a sign above my head saving “Rape my bank account”.

As luck would have it I met a couple of wee Chilean lassies on the bus. They were looking pretty sure of what they were up to and I obviously didn’t really have a clue what I was up to. I saw them walk out of a travel agent’s so I crossed the road looking for a bus ticket somewhere. But I was promptly blind-sided by this shifty little Indian guy who looked like Mr. Bean. He starts tryin’ tae bring me to a ‘better’ travel agents and kicks off by trying to sell me some hash. I show a little bit of interest out of habit but I actually want him to just get to fuck so I can get a bus ticket a get out of Goa. No more salesmen please! But he’s goin’ on and on and I’m getting really pissed off because we’ve walked past about four travel agents in search of his travel agents. He moves on from hash and starts trying to punt Ketamine onto me. I say no thank you. He goes into his pants and pulls oot a wee baggy with two mental lookin’ pills that were as big as Alka-Seltzers.

“What the fuck are they?”

“These are the thing crazy mother-fucks take before they kill every mother-fuck in sight. Terrorists, Paki bastards, take this fuck pill before exploding. “

I just looked blankly at the guy, not really knowin’ how I should react.

“700 rupees” he said.

I just started laughin’ in the wee guy’s face.

“If you like this things, I can find weapons.”

I promptly stopped laughing.

“What weapons can you get?” I said, in a tone which expressed genuine curiosity but absolutely no desire to buy a rocket launcher.

I could see that the wee man had started thinkin’ that he was the big man. This sneaky wee smile spread across his stubbly wee face.

“Well,” he starts all nonchalantly, like an Italian looking at a menu, “machine gun, hand gun, grenade. As you like.”

“Aye, put me doon for one handgun.” I says, just playin’ around with him, thinkin’ he’s full of shite. But Mr. Bean the Drug Machine just lifts his shirt up and flashes this mad old rusty gun at me!

“You like?” he says, grinin’ at me with his big toenail teeth.

“Whit?! Fuckin’ put that away man, jesus!” I shouted and whispered at the same time. “No man, I was only jokin’! Do I look like the sort of guy who’s going to start a fuckin’ insurgency at the Pakistan border? No!? Look at me man?! Just take me to this travel agent’s!”

“Okay, some hash?”

“….Okay, but just the hash please” I answered.

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7 thoughts on “5. Leavin’ Goa – Part Two

  1. Serena says:

    ajajajajaj…’the ending is the greater’

  2. ebru says:

    funny and ironic. unbelievable that this man can just sell drugs and guns just in the middle of the street with no fear of being caught by a policeman… on the other hand the story and your writing is so gripping that you just wish it would continue when you come to the end :)) lovely. can’t wait for the next part 🙂

  3. Spginx says:

    You’re blog is intriguing… That hash guy must be related to my night bus guy 🙂

  4. Justina says:

    This story describe very realistically. And I like it so much. Weapon-danger. I’m waiting next part 😉

  5. Lauren says:

    So I’ve read every word of your blogs after finding you to be quite a character in your youtube video of course. I appreciated your video for agreeing with me that people really are much more beautiful than any of their pictures or music collections show. I have been facebook-less for four months now and its a nice life I must say, no one judging you or god-knows-who creeping on your pictures day in and day out, or feeling the need to make sure everyone else’s lives aren’t going better than yours is. Because that doesnt matter.
    What does matter is being happy, and it makes me sad that you aren’t. Yet on the other hand I’m glad you’ve grown a pair enough to do something about it. I just hope somewhere along the road you find what I have. Religion. I know its far stretch, but trust me, I walked the same road you did; alcohol..drugs and such. None of them ever truly made me happy. Being an 18 year old girl from the middle of no where, I felt lost…till I found Jesus.
    So Ross, on this adventure you’re taking, I hope you find him too. I feel like its what you’re searching for and I hope these words start to lead you on the right path.

  6. Automated Response says:

    Punchy and honest and full of attitude, just like the video. If scripts like that are something you’re interested in and doing regularly drop me an email. I’ve nothing specific in mind right now but would like to butt heads sometime if the opportunity arises…


  7. says:

    Mr. Bean the Drug Machine yeeeeeah. Like your style, like your humor, like your imagination. Sounds like I am a fan, but I CAN be critical. We halfkorean-germans can speak the truth. But this is suprisingly(didn^t know what to expect anways, so forget that sur-prize) good. keep on rockin, i`ll keep on readin. greets from zurich.

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