5. Leavin’ Goa – Part One

So I made it to India ladies and gentlemen! It was a twenty-four hour journey which started in Glasgow, then to Heathrow, then to Istanbul and finally to Delhi. That’s what you get when you fly with Turkish Airlines. I thought I was gonna be buried underneath a heap of molten airplane somewhere in the Afgan desert. So I got to Delhi and fuck all noteworthy happened. Hated it man. Far too chaotic and It felt like every cunt was tryin’ tae penetrate me via ma wallet. I lost a lot of money in a day in Dehli, but I’m sure I wouldn’t be the first. I opted to take the plane to Goa and kept to the original promise I made to myself.  Get to a beach and not think for about three weeks. But Goa, I don’t know man. It feels like I asked for a Jimi Hendrix record but got a Kula Shaker tape. Not quite the hippy groove I was imagining, just a sort of tragic attempt tae cling on. It’s quieter than I thought which is both good and bad, but it’s a hoor of a lot more expensive than I thought it would be. There were lots more inappropriately G-strung German men playin’ beach tennis than I thought there would be and I saw a Cow eatin’ a bike tire. Mental man. Like I said, not quite what I was expectin’ but I guess that was the whole point of comin’ here in the first place. Escaping predictability.

Beaches, relaxin’ tae the max, cocktail in a half coconut, blah blah blah. Beach paradise in the sun, you know how it is darlings. But I will say one thing about Goa, I’ve never bin hassled to buy so much shit I didn’t want in my entire life. Honestly man, the sandy beaches of Goa are strewn with about half a million sunglasses salesmen. Nothin’ you can possibly say to them will deter them from huddlin’around you like drunken tramps around an oil drum fire. Their fuckin’ relentless man and a pure nightmare to get rid of. The followin’ exchange of words was it for me. No more Goa.

“Hello my friend, your cuntree?”


“Oh ho! Scot-o-land! Capital city: Edinburgh. President: David Cameron!”

“Ha ha, aye that’s right aye. He’s a prick though.”


“It doesn’t matter.”

“You want buy sunglasses? I give you nice price!”

“No thanks man.”

“Scot-o-land price!”

“Mate, if ah want any price it’s the fuckin’ Indian price.”

“Ha ha! You is funny guy!”


“Just looking, no have buy. 500 rupees only.”


“Okay 100 rupees.”


“100 rupees, India price.”

“And 500 rupees is Scotland price?”


“Nothing, no. No sunglasses please.”



“This is nice price, nice sunglass, your sunglass not so nice as much these.”

“Cunt, these are Ray Bans. Real fuckin’ Ray Bans.”

“No. Is fake.”

“Look at them! They’re real!”


“Don’t fuckin’ bend them! Here gimme them back.”

“Is fake.”

“They just look fake to you because you’ve never seen a real pair.”

“I is see real pair. These thing. Yours fake I think.”

“No. Expensive.”

“How much?”

“A lot.”

“How many Rupees?”

“I dunno, about 5000.”

I didn’t bother explainin’ tae him that ma cousin Sandy’s mate Mental Gerry had been on the way to my 21st and realized he hadn’t bought me a present, so he nicked a pair a Ray Bans fae some flashy cunt’s BMW. I promised that I would make an effort tae be more truthful with people but tryin’ to explain all of that tae this guy seemed like a pointless gesture of honesty.

“5000 rupees?! From her?” he pointed at a woman selling jewelry and sunglasses a bit further down the beach.

“No. I got them in Glasgow. Mate, I wouldn’t pay £70 for a pair a sunglasses from a woman on a beach in India.”


“It doesn’t matter. No. No Sunglasses today.”

“Please. Two pairs. Nice price.”

“Brother. I don’t need two pairs of sunglasses!”

“Yes! Two eyes, two sunglasses!”

“No cunt!?! Two eyes, one sunglasses!?!”

I couldn’t do it any longer. I just walked off. I don’t think doing that to this guy was as bad as walkin’ away from that cunt at the party. I still felt kind of bad about that. Doesn’t matter now though. This was different. This guy was going to chip away at me all fuckin’ afternoon until I bought something to make him go away. You know his stuff’s shit, he knows his stuff’s shit, you both know that he’s selling you silence. So I walked away from him and kept walking, all the way to my beach hut made oot of banana boxes, packed my bag and left Vagator beach with the compass set for north.

That exchange had been the second last of that kind in Goa. I had spent ten days goin’ up and doon the coast oan these rickety buses that sounded like football studs in a tumble dryer, searching for the one thing the hippies all failed to get; a bit of fuckin’ peace man.


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17 thoughts on “5. Leavin’ Goa – Part One

  1. Alyx says:

    You’re a very good writer. Keep up the good work.

  2. Suzan says:

    Just wanted to say that you’re writing is awesome.

    The best to deal with “sales people” is to out right ignore them. Don’t even look at them. Just keep walking. Pretend they don’t even exist. As cold as that may seem they will get the message. Once you even glance at them they jump all over you. Take it from a seasoned traveller who goes to Istanbul and India on a regular basis. I’ve heard it all. One dude tried to talk to me in five different languages just to get my attention. Basically you have to be an asshole times 10. Or find some place where there is zero tourists/foriegners.

    My husband travels to India twice a year for months at a time (business) and even he can never get use to the craziness that is India. But he does enjoy going down there. He enjoys the craziness and unpredictability of the place. And the food.

    Good luck in your travels! 🙂

  3. Justina says:

    Yes, you really good writer, as say Alyx.
    Do you put your storyes, not just in this blog, but and in…another place? In one book, or newspaper, or something else?

    • I have never had anything published before, I don’t even really know where I would begin. But keep coming here and giving me your support and maybe something will come of all of this!

      • Justina says:

        Your storyes worth to be published in more places than your blog 🙂 I very like your storyes, and I think, that it have to be reading more people that your blog visitors 🙂

  4. Mallary says:

    Hello. I just wanted to let you know that I am envious of your writing. Your style is amazing and truly takes on a life of its own. I, like the rest, found your blog from the Facebook video. Ironically, I did watch the video on Facebook. That video was truly amazing and I wish I could say I was free of Facebook as well. I feel as though Facebook is creating a generation of young adults that only think of themselves. Everyone thinks they happen to be the star of their own little fucking show. But I digress. Anywho, I was just popping by to tell you that I think your work is amazing. Have a great day.

  5. Lisa* says:

    “Cunt, these are Ray Bans”. Haha I love it.

  6. Gina B says:

    Lurvely 🙂 You either love or hate India. With a billion souls trying to feed their bodies at least once a day, some may tend to be a tad bit strange.
    I just heard that Sri Lanka is where you should go for a peaceful respite. Before it turns into another Bali. Safe journeys!
    And yes, I got here via your Facebook vid on FB too 😉

  7. Person says:

    Just wanted to say your writting style is truly awesome, really honest and raw.
    The way the thought process is kind of reminds me of my own, which gives me a bit of relief knowing that I’m not the only one that thinks like this. I question my sanity weekly.

  8. I just wanted to say that I think what you do is absolutely amazing. Have you ever considered doing freelance work? Your writing is carefree and fun, perfect for an article somewhere…

    Oh and I wanted to say that you are a fantastic person, all around. You are adorable and opinionated, going where you want to in life… Very inspirational ❤

  9. ebru says:

    I don’t know when you made this journey, but, as an ex-stewardess, I should say that Turkish Airlines is not as bad as you meant man :))) so if you happen to make an another Istanbul-bound flight, hope you’ll be much more satisfied and I can recommend you to jump off the plane and have an Istanbul trip for a few days stay. just ignore the “sales people” around as Suzan says, – believe me they are the most innocent ones compared to that crazy one in India, – and enjoy your wonderful time here… I’m sure you won’t get dissapointed. just contact me if you decide to visit so that I can give you a “non-tourist” guideline for your trip…
    take care…

  10. R H F says:

    Ross, your ideas are brilliant. The stuff on this website is inexplicably captivating, and I’ve never read a style quite like yours.

    But if there’s one thing that might hold you back, it’s your lack of mechanic discipline – misspellings, punctuation errors, and the like. I think they tarnish the way some might perceive your work. You should develop your mechanics – read The Elements of Style by William Strunk and E. B. White if you haven’t (it’s really entertaining) – because you have amazing talent! As a fellow writer, I’m really impressed.

    Oh, and publish an anthology of stories sometime! I know I’d buy it.

    • Cheers Ryan. I really appreciate the constructives! I’ve been concious for a while that my writing style doesn’t really follow tradition as much as it probably should. I’m trying to write this character’s dialogue as close to being conversational as possible without making it too long winded, but in doing so, I kind of ignore a lot of rules that people have been brought up to follow when reading. “It’s a fucking tightrope Spud” replied Renton…

      But thanks very much man. These type of comments are what I’m really after! All I want is to get better at writing.


  11. Blooded says:

    I just wanted to encourage you like some of the people wrote here to publish your works because they’re really good and enjoyable to read. Go for it, man! I bet you noticed how many fangirls you have so far and they still keep comming. You’d earn millions! Exaggerated or not, but it’s worth to try.

    • Thanks very much, I appreciate your support and of course, your kind words. I want to have something for ready for publication by the end of the year. But there are lots of little projects on the way to completing that one x

    • Hahaha, I have noticed the bizzare number of female followers this blog has. It really makes me laugh and kind of uncomfortable at the same time, you know what I mean? But I would really like to keep working on this long story. I have everything planned out, it’s just a case of putting in the man hours.

      A novel’s a very big project…

  12. Gabriella says:

    Bro, this sounds just like mexico. Everyone there comes up and pesters you trying to make you buy something from them. All little kids sellin’ stuff to make you feel bad and buy something useless like a peice of painted fuckin’ trash. Haha.

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